


The Adventures of Ebenezer Snekkens

by Epitomeofcats



Category: Christian Bible, Christian Bible (New Testament)
Genre: Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 10:21:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10897338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Epitomeofcats/pseuds/Epitomeofcats
Summary: A snake from the garden of Eden is assigned by God to kill Jesus every day in a never ending cycle of resurrection. He has days off, though.





	The Adventures of Ebenezer Snekkens

Ebenezer Snekkens flopped over a rock. He was tired. It had been one year since he was banished from the Garden of Eden, but he still missed it a lot. Over the past six months, he had begun to lose his appetite, and also his will to live. After all, what was his purpose outside of the Garden of Eden? He had no fruit to eat, no friends to keep company and manipulate, nothing to plot against in fits of hysterical snake laughter. Outside of the garden, everybody avoided him. God, sensing his hopelessness and fits of depression, grew concerned about Ebb. Since he had created the world, he learnt that it was almost as important to have evil in the world as well as good, just in contained moderation. And so, God created a scheme to let Ebb be happy and evil in contained moderation.  
Ebb lifted his head to see God standing in front of him. “Holy crap!” said Ebb. God raised an eyebrow. “I mean, hello, God. I wasn’t calling you crap it was an interjection.” God pretended to ignore that.  
“Ebenezer Snekkens, I have a job offer for you,” announced God after melodramatically clearing his throat.  
“Wait what-“ Ebb started.  
“I will transport you to another timeline in the future. In that timeline, your job will be to plot the death of a young man named Jesus Christ, as it is necessary for him to die for everyone’s sins.”  
“Is that really fair?”  
“Except,” God interrupted Ebb for the second time, “This timeline is only a day long. At the end of it, it resets and you have to plot a different way to kill Jesus. The only two people aware of this are you and he.”  
“Ok, cool. Do I get days off?” asked Ebb. God sighed and put his hand on his forehead.  
“I suppose I could allow you to return to this timeline for two days every five days.”  
“Five days as in five timeline loops or five days going forward in that timeline?”  
God sighed again, “Okay you got me. I’ll put you back here every five timeline loops”  
“That’s better. When do I star-“ Ebb began to say before being interrupted by a bible thrown at his face.  
“Read up, bitch.”

Ebb flipped the page. This was a miraculous feat considering that he was a snake. God shrieked. Ebb was confused and alarmed.  
“How are you done with the Bible I literally gave it to you an hour ago,” asked God. Ebb unhinged his jaw and shut the Bible. He then flopped again in an extremely overdramatized manner.  
“Because,” said Ebb, only to pause and theatrically flop in the other direction, “I am a snake.”  
God, not wanting to admit that he had underestimated Ebb’s snake potential, whooshed him away to another timeline without another word.  
“Jesus Christ, was that necessary,” snapped Ebb.  
“What?” called a voice from behind a bush.  
“Oh my Go-,” Ebb paused and considered what might happen if he continued with that sentence. “It wAS aN iNTeRJECTiON!!!” He flailed before running away as fast as his non-existent legs would let him. It was right then when Ebb had a brilliant idea. Using the weight of human sin, Ebb was able to create a hole in the ground that was precisely 1 Jesus deep (In this world, God had decided that things would be measured in proportion to Jesus). After chucking moderate amounts of human sin into the hole to lure Jesus, he waited in a tree. Jesus, being Jesus, soon fell into the trap in an attempt to help humans out of sin, since his internal sin radar had told him that there were sinning humans in need of help. Moving to the next step of his plan, Ebb bit a hole in the fabric of time to further annoy God, who cried enough tears to fill many Jesi (plural of Jesus). Unfortunately for Jesus, and conveniently for Ebb, one of those many Jesi that God’s tears had filled was the hole that Jesus was sitting in. And so, Ebb had successfully completed one day of his job, and he awaited Jesus’s resurrection.


End file.
